Goodbye, Peanut

Dear Baby Peanut ( now in heaven), 

     I have never, ever felt like this in my entire life. I miss you so much, and I never even got to meet you. I wanted to write this post because this blog was supposed to be my letters for you to read when you grew up, but things have changed. You won't ever get to read these letters with me or Daddy, but hopefully you will be able to read them from heaven. And if you can't, I know you will always know what I felt, somehow. 

On Tuesday, September 4, 2012 I got the worst phone call I could ever get. The doctor left me a message saying that he needed to speak with me. Like I said, he told Daddy and I that we shouldn't hear from him again until we saw him at our September 7th appointment. But if we heard from him, then something was wrong. As soon as I heard his voice I knew. When I finally got back in touch with him he confirmed all of my fears, your NT screening showed swelling behind your neck, and that compared with Mom's blood work gave you a 1/19 chances of having Down's Syndrome and a 1 in less than 5 chance of having Trisomy 18 (Edward's Syndrome). Mommy didn't know what all those numbers meant at that exact moment, but she wrote everything down that the doctor said and immediately left work to be with Daddy. When I walked in the door, I tried to tell Daddy what the doctor told me, and we immediately did some research online. Baby, this Trisomy 18 is absolutely horrible. There is all kinds of information out there, but all we needed to know was that the chances of you making it out of me alive were very small, and the chances of your coming home from the hospital with us in March were even smaller. Dad and I tried to stay positive, but it was really hard for me. You are my first baby, and the last thing I wanted to do was lose you. I love you so much, and I couldn't even touch you or feel you yet. 

The very next day we had an appointment with a special doctor. We'll call her Doctor Peace. She was really great. She was calming, and informative. She took some more pictures of you and Little Peanut, I couldn't believe it, you were so active! You were doing flips in my belly! When you first came up on the screen you were laying face down, and moving, moving, moving. Then you flipped over, and kept on squirming. It was so amazing to me and it was then that I had a glimmer of hope that the other lady taking your pictures had gotten something wrong. That there was absolutely nothing wrong with you! Of course, they wouldn't tell us what they were looking at until later. After more pictures and more moving around, picture day was over and it was time to hear the news. They moved us into another room with a genetic counselor and she broke my heart into a million, billion pieces. She told us that your pictures showed your little hands clenched into fists, and she said that the swelling on your neck was something called a cystic hygroma. She also said that some of your intestines that should be in your belly at the point, were still on the outside. All of these indicators were signs of this Trisomy 18. They wanted to do an amniocentesis to confirm their thoughts, and then Daddy and I had to decide what to do. 

The tests came back 2 days later and what little piece of my heart was left broke into a million, trillion more little pieces. You definitely had this Trisomy 18. 

Baby, I need you to know that Daddy and I love you so very much. We were so excited when we found out we were having you, and we were absolutely destroyed when we found out something was wrong. But we had to let you go. The chances of you living in my belly until March were very small. Mommy was very afraid that I was going to start to feel you kick in there and then lose you. If that had happened, I'm not sure I would be able to recover from that. We also knew that even if you did make it until March, the chances of you coming home with us from the hospital were slim to none. Of course, that would kill me, but if we were able to see you, and then we lost you, I know that not only would I not be able to recover, but I know Daddy wouldn't make it.

Sometimes Mommies and Daddies have to make really tough decisions, but as long as they make them together, and they know that they are doing what is best for their families, then they are always the right decisions. I hope you know that Daddy and Mommy made the best decision for you and for us.

On September 11, 2012 you went to live with God and all the good people in Heaven. I truly believe that because you were an absolute blessing to me and Dad. I know there are amazing people up there that you are playing with, right now. I know they are taking really good care of you until Dad and I get there. I say I know all of these things, but honestly it doesn't take the pain of losing you away. 

I'm not going to go back and change what I wrote about Daddy earlier on this blog, because what I said was true at the time. But I do feel like I have to write how he has been handling all of this. Dad is an amazingly strong person. He has been so amazing in how he has supported me, and taken care of me. He has been in charge of putting away all your baby stuff. We are keeping it, but just putting it out of sight until we can heal from all this. Every time I would see something, it made me cry so Dad had to put it away. How he did it, I will NEVER know, but the only way I can describe him is amazing. If I can say anything good came out of all this bad, it is that I now know I love your Daddy more than life itself. I will never understand how he is handling the heartbreak of losing you, and the stress of handling your hyper emotional mom right now, but he is and he never once makes anything worse. He is my rock, and my whole world. I just wish you got to meet him. He's going to be an amazing Dad one day, but I have to admit I already think he is an amazing Dad. The decisions that we have had to make already for you were tough, but he did it like a champ.

This has been a very hard post to write, but like I said, I needed to write it to help me find some closure through all of this. I started reading this other lady's blog that was all letters to her angel baby. When I read it I thought, "Oh, that's sad. But a cute idea, in a way." I NEVER thought that I would ever lose you, but here I am, without you. I think I might try to keep this blog up. It might be helpful to share how I feel in the next few months without you inside me (like I planned). Then, one day I'm sure I will want to write about your brother or sister that might come. I might continue to write to you, and then when your brother or sister gets old enough, I might pass these letters to him or her, and finally share how we had you, but lost you.

In all of this, I just need you to know that we love you so very much. We cannot wait until we finally get to meet you in Heaven. 

Love always and forever, 

Mommy

Scary News

Hey Peanut,

Yesterday Mom got the worst phone call of her life, hopefully one she will NEVER get again. The doctor called. As soon as I heard him I knew something was wrong. He said if we heard from him, it wasn't a good sign, but if we heard from a nurse everything was fine. Well, it was him and my heart sank. He says that he saw some swelling behind your neck on your ultrasound last week and that combined with some blood work that they did means that your chances of having some of those crazy genetic disorders have increased dramatically. Mom has to go to the hospital today and have some more pictures of you taken, and possibly some more tests done to determine if you have any of those problems. I've been praying and asking others to pray for you all day yesterday and all last night. I just cannot believe anything can be wrong with you. I am healthy, Dad is healthy, we are young. It doesn't make sense...

12 Week Check Up

Dear Little Peanut,

Well Tuesday was the day I got to see you again!! Aunt Ron Ron came to the appointment since your dad had to work. It was so cool to see how big you have gotten. You actually look like a real baby now instead of just a smudge on the screen. The ultrasound technician measured lots of little things on the screen and showed us where your legs and arms were. You were kicking your legs a little bit and moving your arms some. She tried to hold the picture still so that we could see you jump around in there, but apparently you weren't in a jumpy mood. You would wiggle a little bit, but not much. It doesn't matter though, maybe that means you are going to be a calm and peaceful person :-).

The doctor was actually measuring for things in particular and they had to do another smallish type blood test on me. She said I should know the results of those things by the end of this week, but I haven't gotten a call yet, so maybe next week.

I'm so excited to know if you are a boy or a girl. After that appointment I got so impatient, but luckily that appointment doesn't really seem too far away. October 8th is the day, and I am soo excited. I have to tell you, Mommy doesn't care either way what you are. I have never really hoped for a boy over a girl, or a girl over a boy, all I want is a baby and here you are, so whatever they tell me you are, I am going to be so excited about. However, I should tell you that most of your grandmas, and aunts want a little girl. Just because our family has a lot of boys already. And Dad, of course, wants a boy (but that is what most men want so that is no shock there).  I do have some reasons for wanting a girl or a boy, but nothing that really sways my mind more than anything else. Here are some of them..

Reasons for a Girl

• I already picked out two names that I LOVE and I'm totally set on.
• Dad has no sisters and never had a girl baby around, I would DIE to see his reaction. 
• I would get to shop for pink things (my favorite color). 
• I would get to dress you up like I got to dress up my American Girl dolls. 
• I'm not completely set on the boys names yet (although we have two that are awesome, but I'm just not convinced).

Reasons for a Boy

• Dad wants a boy and contrary to popular belief, what makes him happy, makes me happy.
• To prove Grandma McCrazy wrong (she thinks she knows what you are already).
• Baseball themed nursery. They have so many cool ideas on Pinterest!

Other than those reasons, I have no others. I just cannot wait to meet you! I was telling Aunt Ron Ron that I could kick myself for telling everyone the name choices we had for you. I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn't tell anyone until after we had named you because I didn't want to hear anyone's opinions, but stupid Mom spilled the beans and of course, I got everyone's opinion under the sun. But, I'm not going to change my mind. I love those names, and so does Dad.  Oh, before I forget your heartbeat was 155 at the appointment. Tech said it was a strong heartbeat, but it definitely dropped some since your last appointment.  I'm going to upload your current "close-up". I have another appointment next Friday, but Aunt Ron Ron says that it will be boring, just weight of Mom, and listen to your heartbeat. I don't think your heartbeat is boring...I could listen to it all day!

I love you little peanut!!

Love,
Mommy

People will dissapoint you...

...and I hate that for you. For the most part, I always think about the good in people. That's not to say that I trust everyone out there and that I think everyone is great. But what that does mean is Mom usually always gives someone a chance. I'm not very judgmental, I tend to give others the benefit of the doubt, and until you rub me the wrong way or give me the wrong impression, I think you are pretty awesome. That's why it has always been so easy for me to make friends. But unfortunately, having a personality like that sets you up for a lot of disappointment and this time it came from your Dad.

Dad starting working out of town. Hopefully this will happen soon, but we are trying to move to Wilmington. That's where Dad's job and partner are and we really need to get there for him to be able to work better. BUT, Mom can't find a job so easily, so for right now he is traveling 3 days a week. I don't like it (I hate being in this huge house by myself), but your Dad promised me that he would make sure that he wouldn't miss anything important in our lives including doctors appointments, anything that you are involved in at school, family functions, etc. Dad hasn't been traveling but for 2 weeks and he's already telling me he can't come to a CRUCIAL doctor's appointment. He says he has a job site that he has to be on that day and he cannot be late. Dad is his own boss. He can be late, or he could skip it. But he's sooooo into his work that he won't. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time that your dad has dissapointed me. So, I'm writing this because I know that Dad will probably disappoint you at some point too. Probably more than once. Dad is really focused and really driven (which are pretty good qualities about a person) however, Dad's focus and drive is about 95% work related and 5% other. (Notice how I say 5% other...not family.) So within that 5% Dad has to fit, family, friends, projects, household, among other things. When you divide 5% up among all other things, most other things get the shaft. And this time, it's me and you. I want you to know that this doesn't mean Dad doesn't love us, because I know he does (he did keep apologizing this morning) but this does mean that Dad's priorities are a little screwy and I'm not sure when (if ever) they will get straightened out. He knows he is wrong, and he knows he has screwed up. But, he can't fix it (which to me means he won't). Grandpa LJ always used to say that to me and Uncle Fabulous, "Can't means won't," and if you think about it, it really does. When you get older and start thinking about all the things you are going to say you "can't" do. If you say to yourself  "Can't means won't," then at least you have to try, and if you try then you might surprise yourself and turn that "can't" into "I did it!"

On another note, Aunt Ron Ron is come to visit today (maybe tomorrow) with your cousins. They will be here until next Thursday (I'm going to be going CRAZY!) But it will be nice to have some family in town. Having you makes me even more sad that my family isn't closer to us. I wish I could just get in the car and drive to visit them, but it takes 11 hours. Yikes! Maybe one day we will all be close again. Dad tries to talk Grandma and Grandpa Beantown into retiring down here at the beach so we can go visit and hang out in a beach house, but Grandpa Beantown has a ways to go before retirement (or so he says ) and plus I think they are going to have some issues selling their house when the time comes. But we always cross our fingers!!

Well Little Peanut, I'm going to sign off for now. The next time I write will probably be after I see your little self again. I cannot wait to see how much  you have grown in there!! Some of my friends say that the doctor can take a good guess as to what you are (boy or girl) but they also say that depending on who does the picture, they may not just so they don't get it wrong. (I hope ours tries to guess!!)

I love you!!!

~Mommy

Your Announcement

Good morning Little Peanut,

This weekend was my birthday (the big 28) and I finally announced your anticipated arrival to Facebook. Dad got me a bead for my Pandora bracelet and I took a picture and put it up as my profile picture. It was a baby carriage, so at the point, everyone had to know that we would only have a baby carriage bead for one reason! Everyone was sooo excited and posted happy wishes and thoughts for our family. This is such an exciting time for everyone in the family. I know it's going to be a little hard for most of my side of the family because they are so far away. But, hopefully this will just inspire them to come down and visit more often.

So back to the birthday weekend. On Friday we went to dinner at Fire and Sticks. It was delicious!! Japanese is always so yummy, but they give you WAY to much food and then you feel so bad afterwards. After dinner we all went bowling which was sooo much fun!!! Mommy kicked everyone's but! (Well, the first game anyway.) It was really fun and then we went home and had cake. Saturday I got to go shopping for more clothes to fit my belly. I went to this consignment store and found 2 complete outfits for less than $35! You won't understand the importance of that for awhile, but trust me...this was a great deal for Mom. After shopping I just kind of piddled around the house and did some laundry. Then Dad and I went out to Grandma and Grandpa McCrazy's for dinner. They actually surprised me and took me out to dinner at the winery they like so much, Sanders Ridge. It was yummy. I ate soup, and fried asparagus, and a turkey sandwich. Yummmmmmy! It was a low key, but fun birthday weekend for me. And of course, I think the most fun thing was reading all of the Facebook posts that people keep sending about you!

Your Aunt Ron-Ron and cousins are coming to visit next week. They should get here on Friday night/Saturday morning. Then Daddy's birthday is coming up. Not sure what we are going to do for that because he says he doesn't ever want to do anything, but we'll see. We do get to see you on his birthday though and we are SO excited about that. The Bump website says you are about the size of a lime, and next week you should be the size of a plum. Doctor  says Mom and Dad will be really surprised to see how big you have gotten since the last picture we saw.

I keep checking images online to see where you are in my belly. Then I try to feel around and see if I can feel you, but I think you are still pretty tucked away in there. I cannot WAIT to be able to feel you move. People say that doesn't happen for awhile so I guess I will just have to be patient. It's so hard...

Well my little peanut...I better say good bye for today. I love you so much!

Love,

Mom

Your Little Heartbeat

Dear Little Peanut,

Today was such an exciting day! We got to hear your heart beat again! It hardly took the doctor anytime to find you in there and he said your heartbeat was strong at 167! Nothing else too exciting happened at the appointment except we did get to make our next 3 and we get to find out what you are on October 8! Dad and my first wedding anniversary! I thought that was a pretty cool present to us. We also get to see you again on Dad's birthday, just to make sure you are growing well in there and that Mom doesn't have any funky genes.

It's been pretty slow this week at work so I have been looking at all these consignment shop places and on Craigslist for some furniture for your bedroom. I email everything to Dad first because if he's not asked his opinion on this kind of stuff, he'll flip out! But anyways, there is a lot of cute stuff out there, all I have to do is find it at a good price. :-) It's hard not knowing what you are because all the clothes for sale are all gender specific so we have to know what you are. But for now, I'll just browse and if I find something cute you're getting it!

Let's see....OH...the doctor said I can go back to my Zumba class, so it's me and you babe, working it out....starting next week. The doc says that you might tire me out faster, but that's OK at least I know that we're doing something healthy instead of just sitting on the couch. Dad always tries to get us to go for walks, but then he decides to ditch us and work late.

Mom's friend Lauren is having her baby in October. Her baby is a girl. Maybe you two will be friends one day. They live kind of far away, but that's OK. We will hopefully get to see them. Her baby shower is at the end of September and I'm helping with some of it. Although, I'm kind of confused because they wanted me to come up with some games, and when I did they said they only wanted to play one of them. I don't know...It got me thinking about your baby shower. I know Nana LJ will throw one for you up North, but I'm worried about the one down here...I REALLY don't want your Granny McCrazy to do it. She did my wedding shower and it was a disaster. She didn't answer the phone when people called to RSVP, she didn't write down who was coming when she did answer the phone, and she never did follow up calls to see who was coming, so she had NO idea who was coming. She rented out this ballroom in a hotel that was WAY over priced and only like 15 people showed up. She paid for 40 people, so she basically threw her money down the drain. I don't know if any of my other friends will offer to throw the shower for me, so maybe I will just do it myself. I wonder if there are mommies that have every done that? I mean, I'm so anal anyway I'd rather do it myself! That way it's done the way I want. I know the girls at work will have one...that one will be fun. :-) You are going to have some many friends from mommy's work. There are 4 other women in this office who have babies right now and all the moms are around my age so I bet they will all have at least one more.

Alright little peanut, I'm going to sign off for now! I love you soooooooo much!

xoxoxo
~Mommy

My First Entry

Dear Little Peanut,

So, this might be the one and only time that I praise your Granny McCrazy (Daddy's mom) because she can be really crazy, but her initial idea was good. Apparently, when Granny was pregnant with your daddy she decided that she was going to write letters to him. Daddy and I thought this was a neat idea and he has been asking me for a few weeks now if I was going to do it. At first I thought, yea right, when will I have the time to do that, BUT then I thought, maybe if I did it in a blog and typed it, it might be a little bit faster and easier to squish into my day. (I'm wondering if you can print blogs because I don't know if I will be able to show you this years from now.) Oh well, something for me to put on my to do list to look into!

Alright little peanut, according to The Bump.com at 9 weeks and 2 days you are the size of a green olive. Mommy hasn't been feeling sick or bad at all. Once in a while I don't want to eat dinner with daddy because I'm feeling full or not quite hungry, and once in a while my tummy starts to cramp a little bit, BUT everyone says that's normal and it's nothing to worry about. I have to admit, I have not been eating very healthy. All I want is fried food! Chicken is my favorite and french fries...YUM! The doctors and nurses say I need to eat healthy for you, but those things don't sound good to me right now. I tried to be healthly last night with fried broccoli and cheese bites...hahaha I'm pretty sure the fried and cheese negated the broccoli altogether.

Mom and Dad spent the weekend at the beach with the neighbors. We had lots of fun playing on the beach and in the ocean. Saturday night we went to this place called Medevil Times and watched a show and ate dinner. It was yummmy and fun! The kids really liked it and it made me think that Dad and I will need to take you there when you get bigger. I hope you love the beach as much as your dad and I do. We try to go as much as we can, and we love to travel just about anywhere with a beach. Although, we are definitely going to need to buy you the best protective swimming gear (swim shirts, and hats) and the highest SPF sunscreen they have on the market because your daddy has the most Irish skin in the world and burns no matter what he puts on!

Dad and I are trying to think of boy names if you are a boy. We picked out two (in case you were going to have a twin brother) BUT there is only one of you and the two names we picked just don't sound right without the other one. So, I'm trying to think of some other names, but your dad doesn't like any of the names I pick. He can be a pain sometimes. If you are a girl we also have two names picked out, and I like how they sound singularly so I'll just choose when we find out what you are.

I am so excited to have you in my belly right now! I've always wanted to be a mommy and I finally am going to be very shortly! I can't wait to hold you and take care of you! I know it's going to be tough, BUT I know that this is one of those things that I was BORN to do.

I have a doctor's appointment this week and I have no idea what he is going to do this time but I do know that I will get to hear your little heartbeat again! I was so surprised and excited that Dad and I got to hear it at the very first appointment when we saw you! Sometimes, at 7 weeks, it is too early to hear it, but we saw it and heard it! Lucky us! I don't know if I will get to see you this time, but if not I will set up an appointment to see you in a couple more weeks.

I'm going to try my hand at adding pictures to this blog also. Not sure how well I will be able to do that, but right now I have your first ultrasound and I'm going to try to take baby bump pictures to post also. I am at work right now (it's been slow lately so I'm not slacking..don't worry..Mom is a hard worker!) but I am going to sign off for now.

I love you little peanut!

Love,
Mommy